(camera turns on, just see a blue eye, camera zooms out to see Cloud’s face)
Cloud: (mumbling) Camera working…good! (to camera) Welcome to… (pulls out sign, puts it in front of camera) “FF7 Characters: Revealed!” During this segment, your host, myself, will lead you, the audience, through the house of FF7 to show you what we do exactly when we’re not trying to save/destroy the planet. Since I’m right here, let’s see what Rude is up to. (goes to the door, opens it enough to stick camera in)
Rude: (back to camera, a bowling ball polisher in front of him, sticks head in it for a few minuets, head comes out shiney) This should put Mr. Clean to shame. Heh heh.
Cloud: …So that’s how he gets it so shiney.
Somewhere: Squeaky squeaky! ((Tasuki: What Th’ Hell? Places Have Lines TOO?! PFf: Shut up!))
Cloud: Let’s check that out, shall we? (goes to entrance of living room, Red is in there tossing around a squeaky rubber chicken)
Red: Thought you could get away from me, huh? (toss) Thought again, did you? (throws on ground, stands over it, speaking in Spanish accent) Hello. My name is Red XIII. You killed my father. Prepare…to Die! (grabs chicken, starts shaking it) Grrrrrr!...Grrr!...Rrr! ((Tasuki: Why…is th’ dog talkin’? Great! Animals have lines too! PFf: Shut UP!))
Cloud: …Uh, right, let’s leave him alone. I wonder what Tifa’s doing? (slightly opens door to gym)
Tifa: (punching a large punching bag) Stupid men. (punch) All of them coming up to me “Der, where’s Cloud?” “Der, where’s Mother?” RRGH! (punch!) I Don’t Freakin’ Know Where Cloud Is Half The Time!! (punch!!) Cloud. THAT JERK!! DITCHING ME FOR AERITH?! HOW COULD HE CHOOSE A DEAD PERSON OVER A LIVE ONE?! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! (punches giant hole through the middle of punching bag and it falls from the ceiling)
Cloud: O.O Must be that time. Better leave.
Tifa: Wait, my Cloud senses are tingling. (turns to see Cloud tip-toeing away, sees camera, blushes)
Cloud: (sweating) Uh…Hi?
Tifa: Cl-ou-do…
Cloud: Uh, (in camera) We’ll hold for a commercial break, folks. AAAAH! Tifa! Calm down. Calm down? Calm down! (camera turns off with static)
-
(camera back on, Cloud rubbing sore head)
Cloud: Jeez, she didn’t have to do that. Anyway, who’s next? How ‘bout Cait Sith? (peeks in Cait Sith’s room)
Cait Sith: (watching Braveheart) Beat those British, my kinsmen!
Cloud: (confused) I thought you were Irish?
Cait Sith: (angry) No! How many times do I have to tell you?! I am Scottish! Not Irish, you buffoon!
Cloud: (because of the heavy accent, didn’t understand a word) Uh, yeah, I’m just gonna go now so…see ya? (leaves) ((Reeve: No fair, I’m not there! (Hey, that rhymed!) Tasuki: Whoa! Where’d th’ weirdo come from? PFf: Both of you be QUIET! Reeve: T_T)) Okay. Anyway. (goes to next room)
Reno: (playing Guitar Hero (I Wanna Be Sedated), once done, gets on knees, hand in rock sign in air, head banging with tongue out) Whoo! Whadya think of that, Cuz?
Axel (Yay!): Hmph. I’m still way b-e-t-t-e-r than you. Got it memorized?
Reno: Fine, then you try it. (handing guitar over)
Axel: (picks The Breaking Wheel, puts level on “expert”, plays perfectly, has highest score once done) Ooo, sorry, Reno. Looks like I just beat you. (puts name in)
Reno: O.o
Axel: got it memorized?
Reno: (pouting) Showoff. I wanna play Crash Burnout 3!
Axel: Fine, ya whiner.
Cloud: Such family love. (goes to next room, sees room filled with various candy wrappers and Mountain Dew and Big Red bottles strewn around the floor, room brightly colored)
Yuffie: (in middle of room, spinning and singing) I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes!
Cloud: (hand to face)
Yuffie: Beware, evil villains! The great ninja Yuffie is here! (does own cheering) I shall smite you where you stand! I will stop all your villainy! I wil, uh, make you quit doing bad stuff! (stands in hero pose wearing magically appearing cape) Dun dada DUN! To the rescue!
Cloud: (sweat dropping, closes door, goes to next room)
Vincent: (in room ironing huge cape, watching Martha Stewart) Man, Martha, you know everything :)! (little puff of smoke coming from cape) Huh? Aww Gosh Darn It! Not again! (holding it up to reveal burnt hole, among others) Oh well, not much I can do now. (continues ironing and watching Martha)
Cloud: Uh, right. Didn’t know he liked the Queen of Kmart? Well, now we know. (goes to next room)
Cid: (leaning back in chair, snoring away) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…(SNORT!) ...Zzzzzzzzzz…
Barrett: (somewhere else) AH! Cid! Mah arm’s goin’ whacky again! Help! AGH! It’s squirtin’ oil in mah eye!
Cid: Zzz… (SNORT!) Eh?! Wha?! Aah, I’ma comin’, ya big baby. (yawns, stretches, take time going to help a blinding Barrett)
Cloud: (sweatdrop) He’s still too lazy. Well time for a lunch break. Ramen! Hopefully Aerith isn’t there. (shudders at thought of Aerith’s cooking, turns camera off)
-
Cloud: Mm, that was good. No Aerith. Anyway, here is the epic ending you all have been waiting for. What Sephiroth does in his spare time. Let’s check it out. (goes up to door that has a flowery sign on it that says “Sephy’s Room”, opens it to peek in)
Sephiroth: (sitting in front of large mirror, brushing his hair, singing) I’m so pretty. Oh so pretty. And witty. And gaaaay!
Cloud: I didn’t know you were like that.
Sephiroth: What?! (turns to see Cloud) no, I’m not! “Gay” also means “happy”!
Cloud: So you not gay and narcissistic, just narcissistic?
Sephiroth: Yes! No! That’s it, you’re dead! (pulls out long sword, breaking wall)
Cloud: Aaaaammm, you broke the waaaaallll.
Sephiroth: (in English accent) Shut up and fight, you pansy!
Cloud: pulling out own big sword, also breaking the wall) Them’s fightin’ words!
Sephiroth: (still in English accent) I’m invincible!
Cloud: (also in English accent) You’re a loony.
Sephiroth: Come on then!
Cloud: Right!
Both: (start fighting while the camera is sitting on the ground, ignored)
Tifa+Aerith: CLOUD! SEPHIROTH!
Both: O.O Uh oh! HIDE!! (runs away)
-
PFf: Well that was interesting.
Tasuki: Very. Ta think, I thought those guys were cool, bu’ now they’re jus’ plain out weird.
PFf: That’s why, their cool!
Chichiri: Hey there something else written on the letter, no da. “I would like to thank Mac, for helping me with this idea, Princess Bride, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (again), The Simpsons (for the bowling ball polisher), and FF7, Guitar Hero and The Dirge of Cerberus video games. I would also like to thank Axel (from Kingdom Hearts II) for his unexpected cameo appearance, thanks Axel.
Axel: No prob.
“We also thank chocolate milk, cookies, and Mac’s “special” muffins, and good ol’ boredom, couldn’t a done it with out you, big guy!”
Tasuki: He sounds like he won th’ Oscar Award or somehtin’.
PFf: Well at least now we know that he’s not as “I don’t like fun” like.
Chichiri: Very, no da.
PFf: Continue to send us tapes, Cloud! And if any of you guys got any tapes (ideas) to send us go ahead and send ‘em!