(Mac’s house. Mac is dragging herself up the stairs)
Mac: Stupid…dance…club…going…four…hours…. (trudges into the bathroom and rummages around in the medicine cabinet) Thank god. (takes down bottle of ibuprofen and pours three into hand. Pops them into mouth, swallows, and starts choking)
Jaque: (coming in) what’s wrong?
Mac: (hand on throat) I (gasp) inhaled (wheeze) an ibuprofen pill.
Jaque: …you what?
Mac: -_-
Jaque: C’mon, let’s go to the hospital. (leads Mac back down the stairs)
Mac: (thinking) Just climbed up these damned stairs.
(at the hospital)
Secretary: Alright, Mrs. De Mort-
Mac: (grinning) “Mrs. De Mort.”
Secretary: Excuse me?
Mac: Sorry, it still makes me giddy.
Secretary: I’m sure, what was it you came in for, again?
Jaque: She inhaled a pill.
Secretary: (stares at Mac) …might I suggest suicide prevention therepy?
Mac: Suicide prevention? (gasp) right, because I’m so hardcore that overdosing on Ibuprofen isn’t enough, I wanted to choke on it at the same time! (cough)
Secretary: and anger management. Now, in order to process your insurance, I’ll need this information. (hands Mac a form)
Mac: (reading) social security number, occupation, employer, mother’s maiden name, ethnicity of my second cousin twice removed? And the year I sold the insurance company my soul. (sighs and starts filling out paper)
(walking down the hall)
Nurse: Your family practicioner, Dr. Faust VIII, is out of town right now.
Jaque: Out of town?
Nurse: On a fifth honeymoon with this wife. The doctor you will be seeing tonight is Dr Nathan Wallace.
Mac: I don’t want the Repo Man to be my doctor! We barely convinced Faust to use anesthetic!
Nurse: Well, your other option is Billy Witchdoctor.com
(from room)
Billy: Arise Chicken! Arise!
Patient: How is this going to help my appendix?
Mac: Our insurance sucks.
(in room)
Nathan: (with stethoscope against Mac’s back) breath in…breath out…breathe in….breathe out. Yup, that pill is in there rattling around. We’ll need to operate.
Mac: Somebody get me Zydrate!
Graverobber: Did somebody say Zydrate?
Mac: O.O Actually, just stand there a few minutes and look pretty.
Jaque: Ehem.
Mac: You can look too.
Jaque: (palm-face)
Nathan: and during the surgery, the lovely Genterns are going to sing and dance.
Jaque: (perks up)
Graverobber: This zydrate comes with a small fee.
Jaque: What is zydrate? (hands money)
Graverobber: Zydrate comes in a little glass vial.
Jaque: A little glass vial?
Genterns: A little glass vial.
Graverobber: and the zydrate gun goes somewhere against her anatomy.
Jaque: you better choose carefully where you put that gun.
Graverobber: (places gun against Mac’s neck and it sparks)
Mac: OooOOOoo…I can’t feel nothin’ at all.
Jaque: (as mac is fading out) Who is that beautiful woman in that photo?
End. Don’t worry, she lives.